inside the chele

okay so as it turns out my vacation wasn’t so bad. friday and saturday were spent at the lake with friends. it was a great time to visit and connect. although now i am a little on the “sick” side. too much fun in such a short time wore me down!

so today is the start of the new week (actually that was yesterday, but i’m much more tired today because of yesterday). much to do so i must go. no rest for the working!

i love date night. vincent and i go out to eat. that’s it. we don’t have limitations on conversation. we talk about business, church, the kids, whatever. not very many times do we get to leave moncks corner, but when we do we try to eat somewhere we haven’t been.  tonight we went to chili’s! don’t start with the “you small town people” junk. going out at all is a big deal for me. i got to wear my new sundress, we sat outside on the patio so i didn’t need a coat to enjoy my food and it was just… nice. anyway just wanted to share. oh and i think we are doing fireworks! see nice.

i, like everyone else at pncc, am on vacation. i, unlike everyone else, am vacationing! i have done about 12 loads of laundry (still working on that), went to the grocery store twice, have attended 2 haircuts, 1 jewelry party, memorized the motions for kp praise and worship, read 2 1/2 of the 4 summer reading books required for my kids and will be attending 2 doctor appts. scheduled for tomorrow. oh yes and we’ve eaten, but not out.

no beach, no pool, no laying out in the back yard, no sitting around visiting with friends (apparently you have to be invited to attend this sort of thing unless you have some place grand to offer then you may do the inviting, but don’t bother if you don’t). chances are there will be no fireworks because my husband doesn’t care to be among people. (this could be a whole other post, but i’m not going there. instead i’m thinking fast!) it’s not friday yet, things could change. 

why do they call it vacation? what does that mean? at my house it means you have more hours in the day to do housework! which is good, because since you are home more hours in the day there is more housework to do. of which i can’t seemed to get inspired to finish.

oh well it’s almost over. and back to work i go. can’t wait. at least then, i’ll get some rest!

1 There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven: 

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 6 a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 8 a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

this is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. i could take almost every part of this scripture and apply it to my life. not just my life since birth… my life today, at this moment.

i have been on the praise and worship team for 3 years. i have sacrificed family time, personal time, mental capacity and emotional stability to do my part for the team. i love it. it is what i live for, it is my purpose. metaphorically speaking of course. no, not really.

in may i was given the postion of “assistant to the children’s pastor”. since then i have divided my time between adult services and children’s ministry. the new job was not supossed to interfere with my place on the praise and worship team. i was not made to choose one or the other. but it is interfering and now i need to make a choice. not forced by anyone, but myself and God.

today is a time for a new activity under heaven. how do i know? because i can walk away from something i have based my value on for 3 years- and be at peace with it.

today is a time to weep, to refrain, to uproot, to tear down, and to hate. but it also a time to laugh, to embrace, to plant, to build and to love!

june 9th. you guys stink. you didn’t even try.

“love lift us up where we belong”, joe cocker
“i need you”, leann rhymes
“here i go again”, whitesnake
“raspberry beret”, prince
“to be with you”, mr. big
“you give love a bad name”, bon jovi
“pyromania”, def leppard
“amazing”, aerosmith

so i was reading some older stuff that had been posted by becky and noticed that she did a “what movie is this line from” type of thing. and i’m sitting here thinking, i could do that with song titles. granted i know movies better, but i do know some music too.

rules:
alicia, you can’t guess them all!

“there are mountains in our way, but we climb a step everyday”
“you’re the hope that moves me to courage again”
“just another heart in need of rescue”
“i was working part time at the 5 and dime, my boss was mr. magee”
“hold up little girl, tell me what he’s done to you”
“when passion’s a prison, you can’t break free”
“we got the power, got the glory”
“life’s a journey, not a destination”

i’ve lost inspiration, all of the sudden i can’t think of anything. okay, give it a try. let’s see, i guess you’re supposed to email me the answers. vmjanzen@homesc.com

last night was very stormy. or so my son thought. i was apparently sleeping through it when i got a knock at my bedroom door (ironically the knock woke me, but not the storm). it was my daughter telling me that justice was a nervous wreck. he was in her room in the fetal position scared to death. in the course of consoling and coercing back to sleep, i said to him, “don’t you know the storm can’t come in and get you? you have no reason to be scared of the noise.” there was not much conversation at that point, just calming down. he fell asleep and stayed with madelynne for the rest of the night- after she covered the window with a blanket, turned the lamp on and started the cd over!

this evening i overheard justice telling vincent about his fear of the storm. the thunder, the lightening, even the rain on the window put thoughts in his head that something was trying to get him. his father’s wise words were, “you need to overcome that fear. the storm has no control over you, but you should respect it and the damage it’s capable of.”

the same should be of satan. we should never be caught unaware of the destruction he is capable of. isn’t it just like him to use an act of nature- God to scare a child into believing there was no end to the chaos, the noise, and that curling up to “die” was the only option? to turn thunder into voices of doubt and images of evil into streaks of lightening?

we have told justice to set up and “not claim it, in the name of Jesus!” and then to replace the thoughts of bad with good. and just as the devil will come at us time and again we have to stand firm not just once but every time. easier said than done, i know. but knowing is half the battle. well…

note to readers: i don’t journal, by means of keeping a diary. i used to- helped with anger issues and probably kept some people alive… anyway if i did journal this would be today’s entry.
** everything in italics is what i would have said had i been blogging posting and not journaling. he he.

dear diary,

today was awesome! brooke’s dad and sister got saved. (who wouldn’t, the message scared the hell out me!- you had to be there. listen online) ricsha and the band did a dc talk rap song that i had not heard of. (much better than the original i might add- and i usually give props to the original) becky brought me a “too cool for this town” necklace from her trip to europe. (and it wasn’t from the airport gift shop) amanda is the cutest pregnant woman i’ve ever seen. cal said hell yes! i was so proud of him. (again listen online) vincent and i went for a power walk and then i got a massage. (don’t even go there ashley!) and i’ve just spent the last hour watching videos from- the 80’s. rap videos. i have to admit they are a little racier than i remember, but nothing compared to now. oh some old aerosmith too. what else. well today was my last day to sing this month. i was upset at first. not that i want fame and fortune (it’s a ministry!), but that i want to sing!!! where else can i do that, but church? (we can’t go there alicia) oh well, with all the other good stuff that happened today, it pales in comparison. but ricsha, if you decide to bust out with an aerosmith song or perhaps some run dmc- it’s tricky… ooh ooh- bon jovi, dead or alive comes to mind…
one more thing. something i would have done different today- i would have wore my new green cons. much more appropriate. better for jumping.
one more other thing. dear diary, please don’t tell cal i’m not in a small group. yet. i’m looking. not sure where i fit in.

peace out,
michele

in my most recent post- not the one you see below, but the one that came after it and has now been deleted- i said i was having an identity crisis and had been for 30+ years now. the crisis has ranged from who i was as a child, teenager, but mostly now as an adult. i said some things that were misunderstood and upsetting by others. in a nutshell i questioned everything- authority, confidence, leadership, responsibility, you name it. i have an excuse… the devil made me do it.

no really he did. he let me believe i was insignificant and that’s why i was moved from one department to another, again. you’ve probably heard his plan for yourself- “let’s see, who can i move around? yes, michele, she’s been moved before, and she’s never pitched a fit about. and then to add some drama, i’ll convince her that she’s over committed and under appreciated and justify it with questions and doubts.” i might add though, you probably didn’t know it was him. i didn’t. i thought it was God, telling me to stand firm and be the voice of reason.
in several conversations with different people (although i’m convinced a few them got together and agreed on what they would say!) that has came out in their explanation of why i felt the way i did. 

you see it in movies all the time. good vs. evil. both telling you the same thing. good looks out for  your best interest(s), but the procedure doesn’t make sense- nor does it explain to you or convince you of what your best interests are. but evil… makes more sense all the way around. it does this by using your own (twisted) ideas of what good’s intentions are.

a ha!!! i just thought of an example…

lord of the rings: frodo, sam and gollum are climbing the black stairs.
earlier gollum had told frodo that sam couldn’t be trusted. sam had said the same of gollum. good vs. evil
now frodo new sam was his friend, and thought he new sam better… but why would gollum lie? hadn’t he just swore the demons off and was now looking out for frodo’s best interest? evil 
later on sam offers to carry the ring for a while, “share the load”. “i don’t want to keep it, i just want to help.” says sam. more looking out for best interest. good
gollum uses this against sam (and frodo) “see i told you, he wants it for himself.”
remember the elven bread? gollum threw the last of it out and then conviced frodo that sam ate it so that frodo wouldn’t survive. evil

that’s what happened to me. (might still be happening if i speculated on why i’m no longer on some blogrolls. or was never there to begin with.)

to sum it all up. my identity is in Christ. if i can just wrap my brain around that, i wouldn’t be so easily deceived. it doesn’t happen over night though. or in my case- over many nights.

thanks to all who recognized it. and didn’t hesitate to tell me. you’d think as many times as i’ve seen lord of the rings…

becky,
if you go out of the country and no one steals your muppet collectabe stuff while you’re gone. when you come back- let’s rock!     

yesterday was the first service in our new facility. okay, so. 

note to readers: i started this in the wee hours of the morning, but saved it for later to post. and looking back at it, it may just be random rantings.

websters defines perspective as this: the relationship or proportion of the parts as a whole, regarded from a particular standpoint or point in time; a proper evaluation with proportional importance given to the component parts.
it is 4:45am. i should be asleep. instead i am ending a sleepless night with this post. why? perspective. tonight i spent 2+ hours in the emergency room getting stitches in my son’s hand. he cut the web at the base of his thumb with an exacto knife while working on a school project. as cuts go, the doctor said it could be worse. there is no permanent damage at this point. i should add that justice (my son) is 11 and in the 5th grade. this is his 3rd project for the school year. the first one we bombed, due to lack of knowledge of what the teacher expected and that she grades on a curve. we also let him do the work himself, it was after all his project. the second one, we aced. much wiser were we. and the grade was just as much mine and my husbands as it was justice’s. this one, well we had to out do the last one right? perspective.

in the teacher’s mind, how important the child’s grade is- to the child and the parent determines what you will do to get an excellent score. in not a joking manner i say, one can almost lose a thumb. perspective.

my husband couldn’t drive us to the er. my daughter to the wheel. madelynne (my daughter) is 16. she took care of her dad in the waiting room, while i went into triage with justice. when we got home my husband said he was sorry he left me on my own to handle it and that he was grateful i could. he said he needed to figure out some way to be able to deal with that kind of thing. perspective.

in his mind he was supposed to be the protector of the household, yet he was weak. how can that be? he was raised on a farm, butchered animals often. he’s a man. this shouldn’t have bothered him. perspective.

all justice could say was that he was sorry for making a mess and getting blood all over the project- ruining it. perspective.

oh let me say we’re turning that sucker in JUST AS IT IS. there’s more excellence in the blood stains of my son than there are in the hours spent on the stupid project. the teacher can keep her A. and justice gets to keep the use of his thumb. that’s a proper evaluation of the importance given to the component parts.

you see we distort the concept of excellence with what we think God’s perspective is. if we don’t make a grand statement we’ve failed. if we’re not overly creative with the Sunday morning service or super spiritual in our peer groups or face down every time in our devotion time… we haven’t done enough. it’s not our best. God’s not impressed. that’s perspective.

God knows your heart. if you are truly giving it all, you will bless him. and he you. if you don’t have any live footage, no dynamic videos, or props, but you have a guitar and a singer who is singing their guts out, to glorify him… if all you can afford is a store front building and not a “real church”, but yet lives are being changed… if all you got is a piece of poster board with only half a project and blood splatters on it, don’t apologize for it. make something out of it.