so today in a conversation i found myself comparing a job change to domestic violence.

she knows it’s not helping the situation by staying.
she knows it’s not healthy.
she knows it’s not where she should be.
she knows that she should want more for herself.
she knows that’s she’s living a lie, when she smiles and says that things are fine.

but it all she knows.

she may not be comfortable, but she is familiar.

where else would she go?
what else would she do?
who else could she be?
how can she possibly start over at this point?

i find myself noticing this in more than just a job change, but in many areas of change. schools, friends, churches, towns, neighborhoods, families. the list could go on and on. the question is why do we hesitate? some will answer that they just need more time to think it through or to pray about it. others will answers in a manner of logistics- timing is wrong, economy is bad. others are in simple denial.

we have always been warned not to get too comfortable. when we do we lose our sense of desire, drive, determination, passion. it’s my opinion that being too familiar is just as detrimental to one’s soul. to one’s spirit.

we have always been told that when one ceases to grow, they die. can one really continue to grow in an all too familiar surrounding? or is it a must that they uproot, replant. in new ground.

we’ve also been told “it ain’t gonna be easy”.

i actually got to set through an entire service tonight. from the first beat to the last amen. that doesn’t happen very often ever. but i’m only going to comment on the music.

anyway. if you really know me, you know i tell it like it is. and it was good great it rocked.

i never even noticed the “core” drummer was out, and the replacement was in.

play til the whistle blows girl!

okay so i decided i was going to start writing. right? right. so i went online to look for a “writing job” and most of what i found is… yes you guessed it, scams.

the most interesting so far is the place where i have to bid on how much i want to make in order to write an ad or an article. if i underbid, i get took. if i overbid, the job gets took! that is after i pay a membership fee to even be allowed to bid on the jobs.

another one wanted me to write about my experiences with shopping, eating out, etc. i could do that. well except for the part where they wanted me to travel, shop and eat, at my expense, in order to have something to write about. buy hey they would pay me a smooth and easy $15-$40 for my write up.

so here i am, blogging about not being able to write.

i’m not sure i’m cut out to be a starving artist.

more later.

with laptop in hand, (insert hand clap and a yay!) i’m thinking of all these different thoughts and making up stories in my head. then it occurred to me… i should write this stuff down.

now i have always been an imaginative person. it probably comes from watching a whole lot of tv when i was younger. or maybe it comes from the longing of wanting to be one of those people on tv, or in the movie. i don’t know. but no matter the origin, i have the gift.

so in effort not to waste it, i’ve decided to start writing. i can go to different places to get different feelings to evoke the different stories: a porch to bring out a story of romance or nostalgia, a park to jog the memory of childhood, chase an ambulance to make the heart beat faster for an action adventure, watch more tv and movies! oh wouldn’t it be nice to get paid for this? yes, just to puts my thoughts in print and receive a check. i could get used to that.

short stories mind you. i don’t know that i have the mentality or the patience to right a novel. however i have been cooking up a screenplay in my head for some years now…

more to come.

after much consideration and, advise from wise council, i’ve decided to start blogging again. for however long i may be able to do so (censorship and all, you know).

i have truly missed being able to impart my witt and charm upon the masses (or the handful of people who read this). because that is why i started blogging to begin with. it was never my intention to post a daily devotional, to give you suggestions on what books to read or what music to listen to. yeah no i really just wanted to write about my everyday life. the random thoughts that are inside my head, thus the title “inside the chele”, duh. that’s it. i just wanted to… relate.  with all the appropriateness i can muster.

so starting now i’ll be picking up where i left off. well maybe not right now, it’s 4:30am and i do have church tomorrow.

and i might add this would be so much easier if i had a laptop [insert sigh]. am i promising a daily post? whatever! but keep checking in, you never know!!!

i came home sick today, due partly to the change in the weather, but mostly from exhaustion- with the sole purpose to sleep. couldn’t. that’s murphy’s is it not?! so i put in a movie, one of the two that usually knocks me out. not that they are boring, just predictable and slow moving. today’s choice: Cinderella Man. didn’t work.

now, since i stayed awake this time i paid more attention and got more out of it. at one point in the movie, when he’s made his comeback and the reporters ask him why he thinks he can make it this time, he tells them, because now he knows what he’s fighting for.
let’s recap a bit shall we… he was a boxer, prime. then he got older, things got broken and broken again. not so prime anymore. then the great depression came. lost everything. no work. no money. no food. getting older still and tired. a wife, three little kids. how to support them? where would the resources come from? another chance at being a prime boxer. although some weren’t so sure.

so when the reporter asked him what he was fighting for he answered “milk”. you see before, when things were good and taken for granted, the reasons were… wanted. but now the reasons are… needed.

it seems that we’ve lost sight of the fight in our homes, businesses, dare i say churches. maybe we never had sight. a-ha! that would explain a lot wouldn’t it?

what are you fighting for? milk or milk money?

i’ve went and built a facebook page thingy. it was peer pressure i tell you it was. i’m some what confused as to how the whole thing works, but i’m gonna try it. i picked some sort of weed this morning from AMac… and i’m not sure if i want to be poked. i poked Becky to see what would happen… i dunno.

i might this new adventure, i always thought i was more of a twitterer than a blogger anyway.

let me tell you about my experience thus far:

after i entered all my info. (high school, college and whatnot) it brought up a list of “people i might know”. this is truly great, because i know alot of people and i couldn’t possibly search them all out by name. however, the majority of the list were the children of the people i knew! sad but true i know. even sadder, those children are almost adults! oh and i must comment on the pictures that some of them use to represent themselves… fer shame, fer shame. if their parents would’ve came up on my list, i would have advised them to monitor their children more carefully.

i won’t leave the blog world behind. you will still be able to enjoy my witt and charm through wordpress!

must go now. i need to read the writing on the wall.

12 today, justice is.

yesterday Cal asked that if anyone was being held captive by anything to stand. my son stood. at first i thought that he was following someone else’s lead, but as i looked around the only other person standing near him was an adult that i’m sure he didn’t know. so he stayed standing. with his eyes closed and his hands raised singing as if no one was listening. all the while tears were streaming. mine.

this afternoon one of our 3rd grade boys came in to talk to Becky about accepting Jesus into his heart and will now be getting baptized on Sunday. i was a blubbering idiot.

ricsha’s kids and mike’s kids just came in running and (in their inside voices) yelling. all 6 of them. i just wanted to stop what i was doing and love on them, but instead i just cried.

this is the norm for me.

it’s a good dysfunction to have.

that’s all for now.

i need a tissue.

back in the day 6th grade was elementary. now it’s middle school. junior high. my son is in 6th grade and inevitably so am i. today was not a good day for him or me in the 6th grade. well it was a good day for me until i went to pick him up from school and was handed a note from one of his teachers- he has 5, i think..
anyway in conversation, about the note, his teacher also told me about a project he had due today, and didn’t do. the one that he recieved two big fat zeros for, because it was worth two big fat test grades. i never knew about the project. so when i ask him he says this, “i forgot”. now one would normally be mad and cut some tail, but i had to stop and listen to him. he forgot that project because it was one of four due with in 1-2 weeks of each other. a scrapbook page as a book report/project due on september 30th + a leaf collection scrapbook due october 3rd + a bumper sticker design for a country (in the western hemisphere) due october 13th + another book report/project, this time a movie poster, due october 31st.
yeah, apparently 6th grade is no longer elementary.

here’s my real dilema: this is going to happen every month!
here’s my question: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
here’s the answer: it’s the easiet way for the student to get an A.

here’s my frustration: i did not enroll my child in a 24/7 school. so why is he in one? where is the time that is suppossed to be left for… him. playing, growing, living. it’s a good thing he is not involved in anything like sports, band, friendships. because something would have to go. it’s a good thing i’m not involved in anything or he would have to go! we do church two nights a week, and live music night (at Wholly Ground) one night a week. that’s it. the rest is spent on school, and we can’t keep up. am i left to sacrifice a decent bedtime? we shut the house down at 8:30, do family night at 9 and lights out at 9:30.

i am not an advocate of home schooling. i have friends that do it and the percentage of effectiveness is split. some kids are making it, some kids are lacking. socially and academically. but this [project madness] makes me want to try it. oh wait, i have a full time job. shall i sacrifice that too? do not go down the path of “well if you home schooled, you wouldn’t need to work, because you wouldn’t have tuition to pay”. gag me. come up with something better please. that line got old with the “be a stay-at-home mom so you don’t have to pay daycare” act. i like what i do, it’s benefits others and myself, if i can be so selfish. besides, i work for the church, there ain’t no money, it’s a ministry, it’s a ministry!!!

well, as the clock is chiming i am reminded that it’s time for live music at Wholly Ground, so i must quit ranting and go. besides i need to unwind, and gather my senses- i’m on the verge of dropping out of the 6th grade.

ps… if you are keeping up with my blog and this “project” post reminds you of another post in march… his thumb is almost healed. scar tissue is preventing full function but we are doing physical therapy to remedy that. if this does not ring a bell, check out my post on “perspective”. and picture me with a fake smile.